My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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