38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
