i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
