I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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