Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
