can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
