Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize