Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I came so hard my ears popped.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
