You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
