i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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