At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
