Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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