My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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