a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
