Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
