My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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