i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
