You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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