I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
