I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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