I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
