I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
