so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
His nipple licking is glorious
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