if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
