Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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