I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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