Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
