im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
