I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
