The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
