u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
