so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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