Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
