i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
