Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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