Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
