you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
