She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
