I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
