I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
