are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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