There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
