update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
