we have pet lesbian snakes
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
