you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
