i need an iv and a liver transplant
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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