I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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