Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
