So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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