Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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