Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
