The maid of honor just puked.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
