foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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