dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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