My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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