What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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